ILLUSTRATION BY ALEX GREEN FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE

Little makes my heart sink deeper at a restaurant than a compulsory tasting menu. “Rather than serving à la carte, chef opts to prepare a 17-course dégustation experience.” Sod off. I’d prefer a dinner that’s quicker than the Dune franchise.

I suspect a lot of my prejudice comes as a lifelong vegetarian. If you don’t like, for example, celeriac, it’s dispiriting when a hunk of it inevitably appears in place of the wagyu. Or when you’re presented with a coin of dauphinoise that’s clearly the meat dish minus the meat.

So off we trek to Opheem, Birmingham’s first two-Michelin-star restaurant, which promises a ten-course tasting menu. I’m already a fan of the chef, Aktar Islam, having taken advantage of his very superior curries-by-post service, so