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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a question regarding the sharing of medical issues. Our 3-year-old was suddenly and gut-wrenchingly diagnosed as “Failure to Thrive” at his two-year checkup, shocking both my husband and me. We spent months doing lab after lab, seeing specialist after specialist, and all that culminated in our son being admitted to Stanford Children’s hospital with a very scary superbug (we still have no idea where he picked it up). As a result of being sick for a year, being a normally picky eater, and having a toddler’s energy, he’s a skinny kid. He’s back on the growth curve and all of his specialists are thrilled with how far he’s come since his diagnosis.
The one major issue that’s come about is people judging us on his food choices. At this point in his journey, our multitude of doctors have told us, “If he’ll eat it, feed it to him” in a quest for maximum caloric intake. We offer him a wide variety of options at home, with lots of healthy, nutrient dense choices, but he’s 3. At neighborhood BBQs or family events, someone always makes a comment about his diet of mostly chips or hot dogs or whatever. My parents and siblings know the story, but we kept it quiet otherwise. At a recent event, one mom, a self-proclaimed nutritional guru (she holds no degrees, medical or otherwise), would not let it go that I was feeding my child processed food, telling me that I was killing him with every Cheeto I let him eat. In not so many words, I told her he’s my kid and ultimately it’s his choice what he eats and she needed to back off. Needless to say, she didn’t like that, said some unkind things, and swore to everyone in earshot I’m a horrible mother. I’m not proud, but I gave her a one-finger salute as I walked away.
At this point in our journey, every mouthful and every calorie is a victory and a step toward him being a healthy adult someday. I hated most vegetables as a kid too, and now I’m a healthy, fit 35-year-old who routinely manages to balance brussels sprouts and cupcakes. I guess I’m just wondering if we should share his story more to avoid judgment, or just tell people to mind their own p’s and q’s. We live in a small town with a tight-knit group of neighbors, so the story would spread fast.
—Cheetos Are the (Current) Answer
Dear Cheetos,
I’m trying to imagine what it would even feel like to possess the confidence of someone commenting on the diet of a child they barely know. Truly world-class audacity, when minding your own business is right there, and free! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and after the failure to thrive diagnosis and a year of medical anxiety. (Also, why would anyone be shocked to see a kid eating a hot dog and chips at a neighborhood BBQ??)
It’s really your call whether and how much to say about your child’s medical history. Rude/nosy acquaintances and strangers never inspire me to be especially forthcoming—it’s not my job to educate them, they don’t really deserve personal details, and I’d rather not prolong our conversation. With your extended family or trusted friends—people you have some level of trust for, who know and really care about your child—it might make sense to share a bit more if you want to. You can ask them to keep the information confidential, or within the family at least, if you’re concerned for your son’s privacy.
On balance, it’s probably not going to be worth it to tell the whole story every time, even if it would feel satisfying to shame the judgy. You shouldn’t have to reveal personal or painful details in order to get them to shut up. And there is significant overlap between those who will subject you to their unsolicited parenting advice and those who can’t keep potentially sensitive information to themselves, so anything you say about your son’s health would surely make the rounds. If you want to allude to “medical reasons” or some vague, general gestures like that in the hope of avoiding additional judgment, you certainly can. But to be honest, I also like that you just told that woman to back off with no preamble—the important takeaway for her and others like her is not why your son eats the food he does, but the fact that what he eats isn’t something they need to comment on.
—Nicole
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