The holidays are full of clichés: some real, some overblown. Yes, a lot of us go home for the holidays. No, we won’t all have a white Christmas. Then there’s the cliché we wish wasn’t true: This festive time of year can put a strain on couples — particularly those traveling.
Marriage therapists, researchers and authors John and Julie Gottman say they notice clients start to anticipate the tension and anxiety of the holidays as early as Halloween.
There are the recurring issues (presents, year-end work deadlines, who to spend the holidays with) and travel logistics (airline meltdowns, chaotic airports, traffic). Combine them and “there’s lots and lots of stress and fighting,” says Julie Gottman.
Sex and relationship therapist Tom Murray sees the same with his clients, particularly those who expect perfection: “Of course, life isn’t a Hallmark movie,” he says. The more rigidly you attach to a particular idea of what the holidays should look like, the more you set yourself — and your beloved travel partner — up for disappointment.
How can you set yourself up for success instead? Here’s what four marriage counselors advise.
Don’t sugarcoat your expectations
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As Murray said, life isn’t a cheesy holiday movie. If you’re shooting for perfection, you can end up shooting yourself in the foot.
“I always say that expectations are premeditated resentment,” says marriage counselor and rabbi Shlomo Slatkin. “The less expectations you have, the better.”
It’s not just your relationship you need to be realistic about. “Travel itself is miserable,” Julie Gottman says. “There’s no question about it, don’t expect it to be pleasant.”
By bracing yourself for the worst, you can be ready for the disappointment if things go south.
Ahead of your trip, go over the pain points together: packing, cleaning, traffic, lines, prices, delays and other people. Go with the flow, and take each moment as it comes. Tense moments will pass. “If you can live in the present, [you can say] ‘Okay, at this moment, things are stressful. The next moment things could be relaxed and calm,’” Slatkin says.
“I always say that expectations are premeditated resentment.”— Marriage counselor and rabbi Shlomo Slatkin