After six years off our screens, the fly-on-the-wall franchise returned for its first celebrity series since the civilian version was rebooted last autumn. The much-hyped revival didn’t set ratings alight, averaging 1.7m viewers – a fraction of the audience at its noughties peak – but ITV have high hopes for this starry spin-off. The channel not only cleared its schedules for a noisy 90-minute curtain-raiser but has reinstated the livestream and promoted the nightly highlights show from ITV2 to ITV1.

ITV has spent a reported £2m on recruiting high-profile stars. It presumably splashed the cash on a handful of names, leaving them scrabbling around for the rest. The solid signings were Goldsmith, Broadway actress Marisha Wallace, daytime TV veteran Fern Britton (who will hopefully lift the lid on her rift with Philip Schofield) and former X Factor judge Louis Walsh. He was joined by his old sparring partner Sharon Osbourne for a five-day stint as a “lodger”. Osbourne apparently demanded too high a fee to be an official housemate. The reunited duo doddered around endearingly, letting slip spoilers and failing to find secret doors.

That famous five aside, it was thin gruel. The barrel was truly scraped with Ibiza Weekender’s David Potts (me neither), YouTuber Zeze Millz (ditto) and Lauren Simon from Real Housewives of Cheshire (again, no idea). That word “Celebrity” in the programme title was doing plenty of heavy lifting. These were hardly household names, possibly not even in their own households.

Co-hosts AJ Odudu (wearing an eye-wateringly tight catsuit) and Will Best (thankfully not) did their best to whip up the crowd but a bloated opening episode was bogged down by stilted small talk, audio glitches and endless ad breaks.

Bring on the drama, debauchery and diary room confessionals. Look away now, Middletons. This was reality trash by royal appointment. I wonder if eviction votes will come flooding in from the Windsor area.