Strike up the jungle drums. Lay out Ant and Dec’s matchy-matchy outfits. Prepare to be driven to remote control-throwing distraction by those Tombola bug idents. Yes, autumnal reality fixture I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! returns this weekend to bestride the 9pm slot for three weeks of rice, beans and bushtucker trials.
A dozen famous-ish faces are now en route to the Australian bush to nibble on dingo anuses while making gagging noises. Sunday night’s launch show will reportedly see 10 of them airdropped into the Queensland wilderness. A few days later, they’ll likely be joined by two late arrivals, tipped to be little-and-large sportsmen Frankie Dettori and Tony Bellew. Imagine the size-based hilarity.
It’s a glorified popularity contest in cork hats, so who will emerge victorious and whose hopes will be flushed down the dunny? Here’s this year’s lineup, handily ranked from worst to best …
12. Nigel Farage
Who else could be in bottom spot but the Brexit binfirestarter? The ITV casting meeting blatantly went: “Matt Hancock got us loads of attention last year. Who’d be even more divisive?” Presumably Liz Truss was washing her hair or busy down the pork markets. Step forward the small boats-fixated GB News grifter, who is reportedly trousering a record £1.5m fee. If only he had somewhere to bank it. A protest boycott of the show is being suggested on social media, so booking the toxic Toad of Toad Hall tribute act could yet backfire. Let’s hope the local bullfrogs mistake him for one of their own and carry him off into the bush, never to be seen again.
11. Jamie Lynn Spears
“I’m best known as an actress and singer,” says Britney’s little sister delusionally. Widely reviled by Britney fans, she’s appearing on her third reality show since her family’s conservatorship of Britney came to a merciful end. Producers are presumably hoping she’ll dish juicy stories about her sister, which feels like a punt. Americans rarely do well on the British edition. Also says she’s “scared of absolutely everything” which will soon grow tiresome. Might bond with Marvin Humes over sharing her initials with his boyband.
10. Nick Pickard
No relation to Captain Jean-Luc. He’s billed as a “Hollyoaks icon” which feels like a contradiction in terms. Having played business bore Tony Hutchinson for a frankly inhumane 28 years, he’s basically the Ken Barlow or Ian Beale of the Channel 4 yoof soap. Actual Ian Beale, AKA Adam Woodyatt, was a mid-ranking contestant two series ago and he’s way more famous. Nice but dull Pickard is early departure fodder.
9. Tony Bellew
No relation to novelist Saul or the Jungle Book bear. Former world champion boxer Tony “Bomber” Bellew played a baddie in the Creed film franchise, like a sort of Liverpudlian Dolph Lundgren. If the rumours are true, the pugilist turned pundit’s best chance of being clutched to the nation’s hearts might be to frighten Farage into silence with an unblinking hard stare, making him burst into tears of terror and regret.
8. Nella Rose
YouTuber who will mean chuff all to anyone over 30. This year’s youngest campmate is “big on TikTok”, like everyone grownups have never heard of. She also hosted MTV’s Catfish UK and won best media personality at last year’s Mobo awards. None of this will butter any parsnips with the ITV audience. She’s never been camping or even slept outside – whingeing feels worryingly inevitable.
7. Marvin Humes
The JLS member found fame on The X Factor and hosted The Voice, so he’s well-versed in the evil machinations of reality telly. He’s now a daytime TV fixture alongside his more charismatic wife Rochelle (from The Saturdays), like a sort of ITV2 Richard and Judy. His self-confessed tendency to get “hangry” could prove problematic. Expect “Humes, Marvin” to become updated slang for starvin’.
6. Sam Thompson
Made in Chelsea “star”. Alumnus of (deep breath) Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Coach Trip, Celebs Go Dating, The Celebrity Circle and Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins. Partner of Love Islander turned Strictly contestant Zara McDermott. This professional reality-botherer is the definition of C-list seat-filler. Thompson says he “hates anyone or anything touching my neck”, which is weird. Especially considering he was wearing a snood as he said it.
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5. Danielle Harold
Her EastEnders character Lola Pearce-Brown died from brain cancer this summer, making millions blub. The Lewisham-born actor went on to win the serial drama performance gong at this year’s viewer-voted NTAs, so is clearly beloved by the great terrestrial-watching public. Gutsy, likable and a potential finalist.
4. Frankie Dettori
The flying jockey might be 52 but he remains fit as a Fisher-Price fiddle and last month cancelled his retirement to carry on racing. If his rumoured appearance is true, at 5ft 4in, he’ll make co-host Declan Donnelly look almost full-sized. Having opened restaurants and published a cookbook, the Italian stallion rider could compete to become designated camp chef with …
3. Fred Sirieix
The First Dates maître d’ once tweeted that Farage was “a coward who likes money, attention and the sound of his own voice”. Also that he’s “irrelevant”, “useless” and a “twat”. It’s a compelling thesis. All Gallic twinkle and tidy facial hair, he puts up with Gordon Ramsay and Gino d’Acampo on those interminable banter bus travelogues. Can he tolerate Farage’s faux man-of-the-people shtick without losing his merde? Let’s hope not. Brexit fight!
2. Grace Dent
The award-winning food writer, podcaster and MasterChef regular was a surprise booking but has the potential to become a cult hero. In her days as TV critic, Dent described the show as “a puerile venture into starvation, televised constipation and animal cruelty, abbreviated by ads for Iceland £1 curries … ” If anyone can puncture Farage’s pomposity with withering wit, it’ll be our Grace. She might lack the mainstream fame to win but instead be crowned the people’s champion, borne home in triumph on a sedan chair made from pan-fried scallops and pea puree.
1. Josie Gibson
“There’s that daft Bristol bird from Bristol.” That’s how Gibson sees herself. Did she mention she’s from Bristol? The Big Brother winner turned daytime TV darling has it all: reality contest pedigree, an endearingly broad West Country accent, an ample supply of This Morning gossip. Collared by reporters at Brisbane airport, she pretended that she was off to “a weight-loss retreat”, which isn’t strictly a fib. Warm, funny and relatable, she could replicate her pal Alison Hammond’s ascent to national treasure status.