My daughter and I aren’t vibing these days. Fussing and yelling have replaced polite and loving. She alleges that I love her brother more, but I can assure y’all I don’t. But I try to schedule mom and daughter time, buy special items for her, cuddle, etc.

Just a few weeks ago, my husband and I opened a checking account for both kids to get them to do their chores and keep us from spending thousands of dollars on Robux. So now they have a list of chores. They do them grudgingly, although I’ve found myself correcting Isla and griping about her pulling her weight. And she called me on it. With my son, I remind him (sometimes repeatedly) to do chores, but as a first-grader, he may be incapable. Reasonable, right?

But then I realized I’m always harder on Isla. Not on purpose; I thought it was because she was older, I expect more, but now I’m thinking it’s because she’s a girl, and mothers are naturally harder on girls, from what I’ve heard. Some mothers. I didn’t experience this with my own mother; she was never, ever harder on me. She was patient and kind but stern, too. She’s perfect, in my opinion, and it’s difficult to duplicate with my own daughter. I have a short fuse and am prone to anxiety, which can make me irritable.

I decided to Google whether this theory is real because I lack personal experience. And yes, there were articles on mothers being harder of their daughters. And even a couple of studies!

One article stated, ““Parents treating their children differently is common in families, especially those with children from both genders. For example, mothers tend to have higher expectations from and be more critical of their daughters over their sons,” according to a Netmums survey.

It went on to say that often mothers formed a stronger bond with their sons, and mothers were more likely to describe their girls as serious whereas they’d describe boys as cheeky and loving. The report warned that girls grow up with more self-critical issues and suffer as a result.

Reading that was a blow to the stomach. In no way do I want my daughter to suffer from me being too critical. I don’t want her to suffer from anything I do! But just the other day, I asked her to help me with something when the “men of the house” quickly disappeared. She balked, and in frustration, I said, “Women just do more. We’re stronger and are expected to do more. It’s not fair.”

I didn’t think much about my comment until I saw the Barbie movie with my daughter and husband. I started crying the minute I heard this line: “We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they have come.”

Many have different interpretations on that, but I understand it as moms work so hard and are always moving forward, but eventually, moms have to let go of their daughter’s (or son’s) hand and let them live. Let them grow, and grow, and grow and grow. I also thought about how difficult it is for a woman to live in this patriarchal society.

I don’t think I treat Isla the way I do because I like my son more. Or that I don’t love her — that’s ridiculous. But maybe I’m trying to shape her, no doubt like my mom helped shape me, into a stronger person. A stronger woman. I want her to look at me and see a strong woman who battled severe depression, anxiety and an eating disorder, etc. I want her to have grit, to learn to never give up. I want her to travel, to love herself, to be independent (as I am dependent on my husband).

I want her to be better than me.

While I have good intentions, I should approach our feuds differently. She’s a wild, fierce being, and I know that sucks now because I’m raising her, but she has strength that I never did. She needs to learn how to be a good human, sure. But I could teach her how to be a good person and empowered woman in other ways than nitpicking. Looking back, that’s how I learned — no constant complaining and yelling.

I’ll focus on providing a space for her to figure out who she is and wants to be.

Sounds like I could use some shaping, too. And I’m lucky that she’s here to teach me.

For more than 20 years, Heather Loeb has experienced major depression, anxiety and a personality disorder, while also battling the stigma of mental health. She is the creator of Unruly Neurons (www.unrulyneurons.com), a blog dedicated to normalizing depression and a member of state Rep. Todd Hunter’s Suicide Prevention Taskforce.