Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding every week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it here!

Dear Care and Feeding,

I just learned that my ex-husband, “Jason” and his wife have a room devoted to BDSM in their home. I discovered this when I looked through his social media posts online and saw some of the pics and messages he shared.

We have a 5-year-old daughter together, and after learning this, I no longer feel comfortable sending her over for visitation with her father. Something like that has no place in a house where children live, and I told him as much when I confronted him. I was shocked by his response.

Jason said that the door to the room is locked at all times when our daughter comes over, and he and his wife do not use it until after she leaves. That’s not good enough. I said that I wanted all of the paraphernalia out of the house. Jason told me I didn’t get to dictate what he and his wife do in private. I told him we’ll see what the court has to say about this.

My ex and I share 50/50 custody, but I am looking into pursuing sole custody now that I know that my ex and his wife are perverts. Jason and his wife also have a 7-month-old son together, and I am considering contacting CPS as well. My husband says this is an overreaction, and I have no basis for calling CPS. Please tell me he’s wrong.

—She’s Not Going Back There

Dear Not Going,

While it’s possible that you live in a hyper-conservative area that may have laws that are uncommon elsewhere, I strongly doubt that you have a leg to stand on with regard to calling CPS or changing your custody agreement. I realize that your ex’s proclivities may be shocking to you, but he and his wife aren’t doing anything wrong. They are two people in a committed relationship having an active sex life, much like other parents all over the world. The sex room and social media sharing may not be as common, but as long as they have committed to keeping their exploits away from their children, they aren’t violating any rules. There are many moms and dads who screw each other’s brains out on the family couch when the kids are away; these two have taken steps to create a child-free zone dedicated to lovemaking.
Please cease your attack on your ex’s way of life; he’s not putting his children in harm’s way. When your daughter comes back to you, talk to her about her time with her dad and his family; if anything ever seems amiss, then raise your concerns. But for now, you honestly shouldn’t have any. This couple’s sex life is none of your business so long as they keep it away from your child, and it sounds like they are. Please don’t bother some overworked CPS employee with something like this when there are children in actual danger that they need to worry about.

—Jamilah