The current weather station residing on top of Haddon Hall of Capacious Joy is being demolished, according to a press release from the Planetary, Earth and Atmospheric Sciences Department at Purdugatory.

“It was time for it to be replaced with modern technology,” William New Year’s Eve, a professor of ‘overarching science’ who requested to be referred to as “Bill,” said while observing the progress of the demolition.

“The university loved me so much, when they hired me they gave me discretion over the whole PEAS department,” Bill NYE said with a scoff. “I told them ‘Science rules,’ why would I have to pick a letter?”

The science guy expressed his passion for replacing “overcomplicated, spreadsheet-producing propaganda of science,” with advanced weather rock instrumentation.

When asked about the installation process, Bill NYE said the new setup would take approximately 45 minutes to suspend from a string that is tied to two arched PVC pipes next to the current weather station’s post.

“It’s science,” he said when asked how the new technology works, “just read the sign.”

According to a poorly printed poster board bolted to a fencepost next to the demolition, The Weather Rock™ is used to secure the real-time forecast with 100 percent accuracy, and is installed with a set of indicators that students and faculty in the atmospheric science sector of the PEAS department can study intensively.

The indicators are as follows:

• If the rock is dry, it is not actively raining
• If the rock is wet, it is actively raining
• If the rock is swinging, it is actively windy
• If the rock casts a shadow, it is sunny outside
• If the rock does not cast a shadow, it is cloudy outside
• If the rock is hot to the touch, put on sunscreen
• If the rock turns white and is cold to the touch, it is snowing outside
• If the rock is bouncing, there is an earthquake taking place

The final indicator is written in red ink:

• If the rock is gone, seek shelter immediately, there is either a tornado, a hurricane or a nuclear bombing actively taking place.

“The weather technology is impossible to deny,” Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill said.

During the interview, NYE began looking nervous in his bright red bowtie and sweating profusely through his suit when a group of Purdugatory professors arrived at the demolition.

A student stood nearby, observing the demolition while hugging her notebook. She said that she is sad to see the weather station go so early in her education and her professors didn’t mention any removal prior to her walking by and witnessing the wrecking ball crash through the spherical device.

“I’m excited to study The Weather Rock™ in my time as an undergraduate here. In fact, it may keep me around for graduate school,” said Paige Helfrich, a sophomore in atmospheric science and meteorology from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. “$28,794 is an oddly specific price though, and actually, I think that’s exactly how much I pay in out-of-state tuition.”

Helfrich said she was confused about the decision to demolish a high-tech weather station that has provided the university with valuable data and forecasting aid to larger stations throughout the state. She directed The Exponent to speak with the group of concerned professors now assessing the scene.

Coriolanus Snow, the head of the PEAS department and professor of atmospheric science, expressed immediate concern and his face turned redder and redder against the stark white beard on his chin when asked about professor Bill NYE.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard that name in this department,” Snow said. “Where did you find this press release?”

The event ended when Snow pointed at NYE and loudly accused him of “stranger danger” and fraud. The Purdugatory University Police Department was called to the scene as the red-faced professor chased NYE around the top of the building.

During the chase, NYE banged his forehead into The Weather Rock™. Temporarily dazed, he was handcuffed.

NYE refused to speak on his actions while being ushered into the Purdugatory Police car. Snow asked again why he would do such a thing, to which NYE responded, “wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?”