By Shaun Tumpane
Laguna Woods Globe columnist
In the scheme of things over the course of our lives, the hierarchy of the things that matter change with the passage of time. The Triad of Human Issues of Preeminence are indisputably Food, Health and Sex.
In the 18 to 24 demographic, the order is Sex, Food, Health. I have been informed by many males in that demographic that the list is actually, Sex, Sex, Food, then rinse and repeat.
The order of the triad for the next group, the 25 to 54 demo, isn’t any different, although a statistically significant minority indicates that the order is Sex, Food, Sex.
Health is one facet of life that is taken for granted unless and until one becomes seriously ill. Health then supplants both Sex and Food to take its rightful place at the top of the list.
However, for the majority of us, we go through life from adolescence through middle age eating bacon and fried foods, excessively drinking poison aka alcohol (virtually every doctor and nutritionist will tell you that booze is, in fact, poison, and for good reason since, let’s face it, booze will kill you if you let it), smoking cigarettes and/or cigars, and avoiding fitness centers at all cost.
What could possibly go wrong?!
If you’re among this vast majority, you have a rude awakening coming sometime after entering the dusk and twilight demographic, 55 to checkout time. Then, the triad is a mantra of Health, Health, Food.
Television is ever so helpful, too. You’re overweight? Try Ozempic. Sure, it’s a treatment for diabetes, but it can help you lose those (insert a number here) unwanted pounds that you’ve been lugging around for a decade or so.
Have swelling for no apparent reason? Well, while you’re waiting for Double Jeopardy to start, Pfizer will regale you with the newest miracle treatment, Rinvoq.
From 5 to 9 p.m., the pharmaceutical giants bombard us couch potatoes with a cavalcade of the latest and greatest in medicinal advances: Eliquis, the aforementioned Rinvoq and Ozempic, Abilify, Accutane, Danazol, Lasix, Solesta, Xanax (my personal favorite) and Zetia, just to name a few.
Physicians just love it when patients follow the TV’s advice, “Ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.” When I first heard of Cialis, I was confused, as I thought the voiceover said, “See, Alice?” I couldn’t figure it out. Who is Alice, and what exactly are you supposed to be showing her?
In the final analysis, we each get to determine and assign the relative importance of every facet of our lives, and for us old geezers, Sex is always No. 1 in our brains, but with each passing day it becomes more irrelevant to the rest of our bodies.
Hey, it’s BEER30! Who’s in?
Shaun Tumpane is a Laguna Woods Village resident.