1. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

2. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

3. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

4. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

5. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

6. How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

8. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

9. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

10. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

11. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

12. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

13. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

14. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

15. What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

16. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

17. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

18. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.”

19 The purpose of a lock is to turn a door into a wall.

20.  Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume. 

21. Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing, but you can’t find any enemies. 

22. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or no longer poisonous?

23.  If you get scared half to death twice, do you die? 

24. We chase happiness but do not get it too often. Will we get it if we stop chasing it? 

25. If you live to be 70 years old, you will spend ten years of your life on Monday.

26. The scream in your head will never be out of breath. 

27. Selfies are just trendy flaunting of shameless narcissism. Do you agree?