Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.

If you gorge yourself on carbs, you’ll be less likely to want seconds.

For midday munchies, try a pear instead of as many apple pies as you can devour in two minutes.

It doesn’t matter what’s in it—green is healthy.

Removing, washing, and draining your intestines once per week cleans out any leftover food debris.

For a lean, protein-rich source of beta-carotene.

Wring out the entree like a wet towel until the filet is mostly squeezed out, leaving only puff pastry behind.

All of the fun of a rock, but with nut butter on it!

For optimal hydration, be sure to chew your water thoroughly before swallowing.

Just eat the goddamn chia seeds.